Sunday, August 9, 2009

Evil Hearted You

Gave my first golden shower last night in the parking lot of a Dunkin' Donuts. The guy told me "The more you pee, the more I pay", so beforehand, I went into the donut shop and told the old lady at the counter, "Give me something that will give me a strong, steady stream of piss, please". I thought she was going to load me up with hot coffee, but instead, she advised I drink the water from the gas station across the street. I walked with $200 and splash stains on my satin pumps.

I feel like shit, just ate an entire bag of jet-puffed marshmallows while talkin' on the phone with my crazy landlady. She finally did my past-life reading and told me I was a clean-slate: a brand new soul. But then she still wanted to charge me $25! I says to her, you can't do that! Charge me for not telling me anything--and she's freaking out because she says that she DID inform me of my soul's "virgin voyage" and all this wacky hippie mumby jumby bullshit.

Oh! I forgot to mention! Me and Charlie were sipping chocolate malts outside at Mel's on Sunset, and Charlie starts flicking me on the arm. "Adam West, 11 o'clock!". He's in this old-fashioned convertible, and pulls up right beside us--THEN! He lowers his shades down onto his nose and says to us in a low voice, "You girls wanna go for a ride?"


And we literally flip our shit, but play it cool. "Sure, yeah." And I hop into the backseat, and Charlie takes the front, and we're about to drive off when he says (I swear to GOD this is TRUE!):

"How'd you like to suck on Batman's big hairy balls?"

And before I can even blink, Charlie has poured her ENTIRE CHOCOLATE MALT ON HIS CROTCH and leather seat!!! He made this hilarious sound that made me think of the old people in the "Lifecall" commercials, and slammed on his brakes. We instinctively jump out and run, and duck into the alley next to Pax's.

I laughed so hard I golden showered. Whatta perfect waste of piss!